source: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0942385/quotes
Disclaimer: this is dedicated to my boyfriend, CA, who almost had his butt cracked laughing out loud during the entire movie! enjoy! 
Kirk Lazarus: Yo, assholes, this motherfucker’s dead!
Tugg Speedman: [picks up severed head] I think I can spot a prop head when I see one!
[people around him gag while he plays with the head]
Kirk Lazarus: I’m a lead farmer, motherfucker!
Les Grossman: Now I want you to take a step back… and literally fuck your own face!
Kirk Lazarus: I don’t read the script. The script reads me.
Kirk Lazarus: [to Tugg Speedman] What do you mean, “you people?”
Alpa Chino: [stares at Lazarus, and then gets angry] What do *you* mean, “you people?”
Kirk Lazarus: Huh?!
Tugg Speedman: There were times while I was playing Jack where I felt…
[pause]
Tugg Speedman: …retarded. Like, really retarded.
Kirk Lazarus: Damn!
Tugg Speedman: In a weird way I had to sort of just free myself up to believe that is was ok to be stupid or dumb.
Kirk Lazarus: To be a moron.
Tugg Speedman: Yeah!
Kirk Lazarus: To be moronical.
Tugg Speedman: Exactly, to be a moron.
Kirk Lazarus: An imbecile.
Tugg Speedman: Yeah!
Kirk Lazarus: Like the dumbest mother fucker that ever lived.
Tugg Speedman: [pause] When I was playing the character.
Tugg Speedman: [as Simple Jack] Mama, I’ll see you again tonight in my head movies. But this head movies makes my eyes rain!
Kevin Sandusky: Tugg. Tugger. You’re the last piece of the puzzle buddy. We need you! Your men need you. Are you with us?
Tugg Speedman: [pause] I’m a rooster illusion.
Kevin Sandusky: Fuck it. We’ll deal with him later.
Kirk Lazarus: Cover me, limp dick fuckers!
Jeff Portnoy: [to Four Leaf] You grew hands?!
Tugg Speedman: This is insane. Are you really going to abandon this movie? We’re supposed to be a unit!
Kirk Lazarus: Suck my unit.
Cody: Damian, what’s the dealie dude? Are we gonna blow up this tree line or what? Tuk-Tuk and Kim got the blue balls and I wanna let em squirt it for a go….Peter, can he hear me?
[one of the men bring a box to Cody]
Cody: That’s C-4, dipshit. Put that back. I said a detonator! I need some dudes who speak American god dammit! He’s making a fucking sweater here, I’m tryin’ to put Tiger Balm on this jungle’s nuts.
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Wow. 8 Oscars, 400 million dollars at the box office, and you saved Tugg Speedman’s career.
Les Grossman: I couldn’t have done it without you.
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Really?
Les Grossman: No, dickhead. Of course I could. A nutless monkey could do your job. Now, go get drunk and take credit at all the parties.
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: I wouldn’t do that.
Les Grossman: Ah… joking.
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Ah, there he is! Funny. You’re a funny guy.
Les Grossman: Yeah. But seriously, a nutless monkey could do your job.
Jeff Portnoy: [shoves drugs in guards' faces] Take the you bastards! Oh hilarious!
[the guards drop to the ground]
Jeff Portnoy: Let’s move! We only have 16 hours before they wake up!
[Jeff, Kirk, and Kevin have just learned Alpa is gay]
Jeff Portnoy: Hey, Alpa, if you come over here and untie me, I will literally suck your dick, right now.
Alpa Chino: Man, what did I tell you? I love tha pussy!
Jeff Portnoy: I’ll cradle the balls, stroke the shaft, work the pipes, and swallow the gravy.
[Tugg has just killed a panda]
Tugg Speedman: I killed one, Rick… the thing I love most in the world.
Rick Peck: A hooker. Oh Jesus, you killed a hooker!
Tugg Speedman: [the boy hands him a box, he removes the cloth from the box and looks inside] A little twig-man oscar. I ‘m going to call you half-squat, and you can call me…papa
Tugg Speedman: [as Simple Jack] You make my pee-pee maker t-t-tingle.
Kirk Lazarus: Same thing happened to me when I played Neil Armstrong in Moonshot. They found me in an alley in Burbank trying to re-enter the earth’s atmosphere in an old refrigerator box.
Kirk Lazarus: I’m just like a little boy, playin’ with his dick when he’s nervous.
Cody: [after blowing up a row of palm trees with napalm] Mother Nature just pissed her pantsuit!
Rick Peck: I got the TiVo!
Alpa Chino: That’s the theme song for the Jeffersons!
Kirk Lazarus: Man, just cause it’s a theme song don’t make it not true.
Cody: I don’t know what it’s called; I only know the sound it makes when it *lies*!
Les Grossman: Speedman is a dying star. A white dwarf headed for a black hole. That’s physics. It’s inevitable.
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: We’ve been handed an incredible opportunity here, Peck.
Les Grossman: The universe….is talking to us right now. You just gotta listen.
[turns on Flo Rider's "Low" and begins to dance to the beat]
Les Grossman: See, this is the good part, Pecker. This is when the job gets fun! Ask….and you shall receive!
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: [dancing along] Right…
Les Grossman: You play ball….we play ball. I knoowwww…..you want the goodies!
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Welcome to the goodie room!
Les Grossman: You paying attention? I’m talking…..G5, Pecker! That’s how you can roll. No more frequent flyer bitch miles for my boy! Oh yeah! Playa….playa! Big dick playa!
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Swinging past ya knees!
Les Grossman: Big dick, baby!
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Yep.
Les Grossman: [turns off the music] Or….you can grow a conscience in the next five minutes and see where that takes you.
Rick Peck: Now let me get this straight. You want me to let my client of 15 years, one of my best friends, die in the jungle alone, for some money and a G5?
Les Grossman: Yes.
Rick Peck: [pause] A G5 airplane?
Les Grossman: Yes….and lots of money….playaaaa!
[turns on the music and dances again]
Tyra Banks: You have no real family, you’re on the wrong side of 40, you’re childless and alone. Somebody close to you said: “One more flop, and it’s over.”
Tugg Speedman: [pause] Somebody said they were close to me?
Byong: We no get money yet. Price now 100 million. You pay now, or tomorrow Simple Jack Die!
Les Grossman: Great. Let me get this down. 100 million… Oh, wait! I got a better idea. Instead of a hundred million, how about I send you a hobo’s dick cheese? Then, you kill him. Do your thing, skin the fucking bastard. Go to town, man. Go to town! In the mean time and as usual, go fuck yourself.
Scorcher Preview Narrator: Now, the only person who could make a difference before, will make a difference again!
Jeff Portnoy: [heading towards an ox] I need to bite its hide… and wear its stomach like a unitard.
Kirk Lazarus: Ain’t nobody gonna do nothin!
Cody: [rigging a bridge with explosives] That’s it! I’m going into catering after this!
Kirk Lazarus: Everybody knows you never go full retard.
Tugg Speedman: What do you mean?
Kirk Lazarus: Check it out. Dustin Hoffman, ‘Rain Man,’ look retarded, act retarded, not retarded. Counted toothpicks, cheated cards. Autistic, sho’. Not retarded. You know Tom Hanks, ‘Forrest Gump.’ Slow, yes. Retarded, maybe. Braces on his legs. But he charmed the pants off Nixon and won a ping-pong competition. That ain’t retarded. Peter Sellers, “Being There.” Infantile, yes. Retarded, no. You went full retard, man. Never go full retard. You don’t buy that? Ask Sean Penn, 2001, “I Am Sam.” Remember? Went full retard, went home empty handed…
Alpa Chino: No, I always wanted to. I guess I just never had the courage to ask. It’s complicated.
Kirk Lazarus: Nah! It’s simple as pie man, you plant your feet on the ground, you look her square in the eyes you say “Hey! baby, you and me’s goin’ on a date, that’s in the story”….What’s her name?
Alpa Chino: …..Lance
Kirk Lazarus: You say ‘Listen here, Lance’…Lance?! What the fuck did I just hear? Lance?!
Kevin Sandusky: Did you just say Lance?!
Alpa Chino: No! No, I didn’t say Lance. I said Nance.
Kevin Sandusky: It sounded a lot like Lance.
Alpa Chino: Dammit, I’m Alpa Chino! ‘I Love Tha Pussy’, aight? Lay yo ass back down and look at the stars.
Kirk Lazarus: When you wrote ‘I Love Tha Pussy’, was you thinking about danglin your dice on Lance’s forehead?
Kirk Lazarus: Yo asshole! This motha’ fucka’s dead. Ain’t no Chris Angel Mindfreak, David Blane trapdoor horse shit jumpin’ off here!
Kirk Lazarus: [to Alpa Chino when he told them he wanted to ask Lance out] When you wrote “I love the Pussy” were you thinking of danglin’ your dice on Lance’s forehead?
Les Grossman: Let’s face it, the kids aren’t exactly dressing up as The Scorcher for Purim anymore.
Kirk Lazarus: I know what dude I am. I’m the dude playin’ the dude, disguised as another dude!
Kirk Lazarus: Man, I don’t drop character ’till I done the DVD commentary.
[Cody and Tayback are tied to a post in the Flaming Dragon compound]
Cody: Dude, dude, what the hell is going on here? Where are we?
Four Leaf Tayback: I have no idea, I’ve never been outside the states.
Cody: Wait what?! Are you fucking kidding me?! Did you make this whole goddamn thing up?! Dude you weren’t even in the fucking service?!
Four Leaf Tayback: Yes! Of course! Coast Guard!
Cody: Coast Guard.
Four Leaf Tayback: Sanitation Department.
Cody: Oh my god! You’re a fucking garbage man! Dammit! F.L. Tayback lies to me and the whole U.S. of A.
Four Leaf Tayback: I wrote the book as a tribute! I’m a patriot
Cody: Yeah, you’re the Milli Vanilli of patriots okay? You lied about fighting in the Vietnam War. It’s like - It’s like punching the American Flag in the face goddammit! God, to think I believed you!
Four Leaf Tayback: I lie all the time!
Cody: [a guard bursts in] Can I be tied to another post please?
Tugg Speedman: [as Simple Jack] You m-m-m-mmm-m-make me happy.
Kirk Lazarus: You more shredded than a Julienne salad, man.
Kevin Sandusky: There’s no way we make it over that ridge before sundown.
Kirk Lazarus: All right fellas, we’re gonna make camp, rest up. Y’all might be in for a treat. You know back before the war broke out I was a saucier in San Antone. I bet I could collar up some of them greens, yeah, some crawfish out the paddy, yo’! Ha! I’m makin’ some crabapples for dessert now, yo! Hell yeah, ha!
Alpa Chino: [mocking Kirk] Hell yeah! Ha! That’s how we all talk? We all talk like dis, “suh”? Yes suh, ha! Yeah mmm-hmm get some crawfish, and some ribs, ha! Ye-aah. You’re Australian! Be Australian! Excuse me, Kangaroo Jack!
[hops away like a kangaroo]
Kirk Lazarus: [confused] I get excited about my foods, man.
Jeff Portnoy: I don’t wanna die like Hendrix man!
Kirk Lazarus: Action Jackson can’t cry, that’s what’s going down.
Tugg Speedman: You know what Kirk, I’m ready to do the scene!
Kirk Lazarus: What scene!? The scene is about emotionality. Where is it!? Now it’s time to flip the script! We’ll get to Chinese New Year waitin’ for my man to cry.
Alpa Chino: [why he's in the movie] I had to represent. Cause they had one good role for a black man, and they gave it to Crocodile Dundee!
Kirk Lazarus: Pump your breaks, kid, that man’s a national treasure.
Kirk Lazarus: Alpa and I are already wearin’ Earth Mamma’s natural night camo.
Alpa Chino: Cool it, Benson!
Jeff Portnoy: [after catching the bat that stole his drugs] Ha! Motherfucker ODed!
Alpa Chino: [watching Tugg reenact Simple Jack] Damn. And I thought the movie was bad.
Kirk Lazarus: Well to give the man credit, he has eased up on the retard a bit.
Les Grossman: What you gotta do is pull down their pants and spank their ass, you spank it.
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: You spank that ass Les!
Kirk Lazarus: Pump your brakes, kid. That man’s a national treasure.
Kirk Lazarus: [Alpa reveals he is gay] It’s Hollywood, man! Everyone turns gay at some point!
Alpa Chino: I’m not gay! I love tha pussy!
Les Grossman: [communicating with the production team in a video conference] Which one of you fuckfaces is Damien Cockburn?
Damien Cockburn: Uh, that’s me, sir. It’s an honor to finally meet you. Get some face time.
Les Grossman: And who here is the key grip?
[the key grip raises his hand]
Les Grossman: You? You! Hit that director in the face, really fucking hard!
Key Grip: [reluctantly walks over to Damien] Sorry, man.
[punches him in the face]
Les Grossman: I will fucking massacre you!
Kirk Lazarus: Stop tailgatin’ me ya pasty teabag! Can I make a peepee?
Kirk Lazarus: [to Tugg] We’re tired of being your trail donkeys! Wandering around the jungle like you some kinda one man GPS! We lost man! We fucking lost!
Kirk Lazarus: [to Kevin] Tell him McKlutsky! Tell him what time it is!
Jeff Portnoy: So, what’s the plan, man? You gonna talk Vietnamese to those dudes?
Kirk Lazarus: No, no. Mandarin Chinese. What I can tell, it’s what they’re speaking down there.
Jeff Portnoy: How the hell do you know Chinese?
Kirk Lazarus: Land of Silk and Money with Gong Li. Second Globe, third Oscar. I prepped for that one by working in a Beijing textile factory for eight months.
Tugg Speedman: Now, let’s go get those Viet Congs.
[cocks his gun]
Alpa Chino: “Viet Cong!”
Tugg Speedman: What?
Alpa Chino: It’s “viet cong.” There’s no “s,” it’s already plural. You wouldn’t say “Chineses…”
Les Grossman: Cockburn, from now on my fist is going to be so far up your shithole that every time you have a thought, it’s gonna have to tiptoe past my wedding ring…
Les Grossman: Look, fuckstick, I’m incredibly busy. So why don’t you get the hell out of here before I snap your dick off and jam it into your ass…
Kirk Lazarus: Let’s make lemonade.
Tugg Speedman: The dudes are emerging…
[as Father O'Mallie from the "Satan's Alley" trailer]
Kirk Lazarus: I’ve been a bad boy, father.
